Whenever I’m feeling down I try to write something, anything, to get things off my chest or to focus on something else more productive. This time though it seems to have done the opposite before I’ve even started.
For the past 5 years whenever I have opened up Microsoft Word on my laptop I’ve been greeted by the jam packed “previously opened” page. Whether I had been at college or at either or the two universities I have been to, I have always had pages of essays, notes, presentations and more clogging up my “previously opened” page.
What could I see when I opened it up this time?
Nothing.
Okay, I saw the letter I wrote to my former landlord giving notice on the flat I rented for university. I saw the email draft to my academic advisor at university confirming formally that I would be taking a year out due various health issues, both physical and mental, and to look after my son. I saw failure.
As I write this, tens of thousands of students are beginning university for the first time, leaving their parents home to spend three year getting pissed up, stressed out and growing up. Thousands more are returning for their second, third, even fourth year. But me? I’m living back with my parents, with no university, no job, no boyfriend and no independence.
Yeah, I know, I sound miserable and ungrateful. I do realise that this time next year I will be back at university, I’ll have a house of my own for me and my baby, and I’ll have the independence I had grown used to. I know I have a lot more than many others in my position would have, more support for starters. Yet I still feel miserable and somewhat guilty and disappointed in myself that I’ve let my life become so tangled and complicated, and veer so badly off track.
I thought I had been doing well lately with attempting to push my life back towards the goals I’d worked so hard for, yet even just opening up Word and seeing how unproductive I have been since before I even left university this year, really made me realise how hard this all is. Mainly, though, it has made me realise how much I miss being at university and being surrounded by like-minded people with similar aims and goals. I miss writing essays and doing research. I miss being excited about starting something new and learning about things I’d never even heard of before. I miss feeling somewhat intelligent and feeling like I was pushing myself and improving, working towards something great.
Right now? I feel like a failure.
My saving grace at the moment is Noah. While I feel like a failure and that I’m not achieving anything great, I just have to look at my little miracle and I realise that I am. I’ve created something amazing and every day I’m helping him to grow into a brilliant person. How can I let myself think I’m a failure when I’m raising a human? I may not be using my brain the best of its abilities at the moment, and I may not be directly working towards my future goals and aspirations, but every day I wake up and take care of my beautiful boy I’m achieving something great. Even if it may seem insignificant, every day I’m closer to getting my academic life back on track.
Baby steps.
Graduating with Toddlers 